"You have Changed"

Recently I was speaking with someone and they said to me, "You have changed."  The context of the conversation included this person's feelings of safety in their relationship with me.  While I knew what she said was true I felt the sting of the reality that she remembers a time when I did not feel safe to her.

I hate that.

As I drove away from my encounter with her I felt the invitation of regret.  My mind began wandering to times she encountered me in the past, years ago, replaying vague scenes and conversations.  There were no specific scenes I could find.  With something "specific" missing I began sifting my memories of numerous encounters with other people which I now know evidenced my lack of safety.  Times when I distanced myself, "fixed" people with my verses and suggestions, times when I was defensive, times when I lacked empathy, was unwilling to hear how I'd disappointed people, made excuses.  As the scenes played in my mind the feelings of regret began growing. 

I began thinking about the places where I've failed people.  I began wondering how I can fix those places.  I began thinking about notes I could send, phone calls I could make, what I could DO. 

I pulled into the driveway and sat in the car for a minute.  I heard the words she had spoken again, "You have changed.  You weren't safe, but you've changed.  You are safe now.  I feel safe."  Her words were true.  I have changed.  How glorious that today I am more of the woman that God created me to be.  How did her words of truth and affirmation morph into an accusation?  I suppose the whispering voice of evil in my ear had much to do with it.  

It didn't take long for those whispers to take me to bad places.  Places of regret laced with my need to do something to make up for my failures.  Places of regret that invite me to doubt the reality of God's grace.  To doubt the reality of my sorrowful repentance for the ways I've lived.  Places of regret that tempt me to add something to gospel and the work of Jesus....something I can "do" to make up for how much I need God's grace.  Places of regret that tell me to exchange living by faith, with hope, in love behind me and return instead to my performance.

Wow.  What a wild ride my heart and mind took in the 15 minutes it took me to drive home. 

I have changed.

Thanks be to God.

I wonder what change will look like for me in another 10 years?

Comments

[Hefe]

For one thing in 10 years you'll be 50 something. The we will welcome you to your autumn years.

[JJ]

So glad you chose not to stay in that dark place and crap on your friends words...You are worth far better. A wise woman I know has shown me a lot about living in my beauty. It sounds like that's the road you took here. Good for you.

[R]

I'm sorry! I did not mean to send you into a tail spin. I guess a little touch of the hurt crept in and you probably sensed it. You don't need to do anything. Your change has mended it all and it is pleasent. I won't hold onto the past and I hope you won't either. If our situation had not of changed Tuesday and we would not have needed to speak about it, the feelings would have faded away as a result of your "change".

I've changed too. May be I would not have been as sensitive if the change had of been sooner. May be I was over sensitive. But are definately more loving than you were.