Seized by Hope

Really Trusting God

"And to really trust God, we must begin to relax our grip and ease our concern about all the lesser sources of security to which we become attached.  This can feel risky."     
                                                                                                     Gerald May "Addiction and Grace"

A few days ago I was chatting on the phone with a woman who had called for information about Seized by Hope Ministries and at one point during our conversation she said, "Oh, you really are living by faith and trusting God to provide." 

Some days, I am living by faith.

Some days, I am living in sheer panic.

Most days it is a combination of the two.

This morning I was reading Jesus' words in Mathew 6 about worry....

^"27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these."

The disciples walked away from their source of income to follow Jesus.  We don't know for sure how they fed and clothed themselves.  I suppose every once in awhile they may have put out to sea and pulled in few fish and sold them at market.  I wonder how their wives were this choice? 

We live in a culture that bombards us with the importance of financial security.  Is your house paid off, how much debt do you have, what type of debt...secured or unsecured, do you have health insurance...is it "good", do you have savings, how much, what about retirement, how are you bracing yourself for the economic downturn that is going to become worse before it gets better.

How do we live out the truth of Jesus' words in the wake of this bombarding?

It feels complicated.  

For me the bombarding surfaces my idolatry, my propensity to my trust in other things because where I expend my energy mentally and physically reveals the posture of my heart, what I see often grieves me.

To live our Jesus' words really...to trust God...really trust God....that would be foolishly risky by most people's standards. 

Yet, I have known financially responsible, careful, prudent people who have found themselves faced with the loss of all they had, carrying debt they didn't know how they would ever pay off, having to decide to follow the call of God to trust Him or the call of the culture to figure something out in order to make themselves "secure" again.

Ultimately, we are all left at God's mercy, the choice is whether or not we will rest in the security of Him or spend our life energy trying to make ourselves financially secure.

I have been encouraged to think about presenting those who meet with me with a suggested donation.  That's really just a creative way of charging for what I am doing.  Every-time I think about it I cringe inside.  Paul never talked about "suggested" donations, Jesus didn't either.  There is really no biblical precedent for such a proposal.  I am not in business, I am committed to ministering.  I am committed to trusting God, really.

Pretty Risky.

What to share......

So far this morning I've started and scrapped several posts.

E has smashed laughing cow cheese on the floor next to me, scaled the shelves in the laundry room and dumped detergent on the floor, washed her hands in the bathroom 5 times, stripped down naked and run out in the backyard to jump in the pool twice, and all the while the sounds of "Princess Protection Program" can be heard in the background as L sings along with the songs....now memorized thanks to the reality of DVR.

I have been on the verge of tears reading friends blogs, checking facebook and reading emails.

My heart is pretty full and my ability to find words limited.

L just ran in crying "E just pulled my hair REALLY hard".

It's monday at my house.

Friendship with a 4 year old

L is all about waxing eloquent on what friends "do".  Sometimes her mini soap boxes on friendship are entertaining, sometimes sweet.....sometimes they are window into the reality that we don't have to teach children to be narcissists, they arrive that way.

This week when things haven't gone L's way she had loudly protested and pulled out her "friend card"....she slams it down on the table and declares "I thought you were my friend, and friend's don't treat friend's that way, so I guess you're not my friend anymore".

Friendship with L is lost over things like giving her the plastic plate when she wanted a glass one, saying no to the 3rd Popsicle in one afternoon, giving E the toy that L just ripped from her hands. 

Basically, friendship with L is mostly about giving her what she wants and what benefits her, anything less than that leaves the friendship in jeopardy.

Trying to help her mature in this area and grow up out of her narcissism requires being willing to have her cry and tell me that I am the worst mommy ever and not her friend anymore....luckily it only takes about 10 minutes up in her room for me to return to super mommy status.

I know some adults who aren't much further down the road than little Miss L, I suspect you know a few yourself.

While I am far too controlled to exhibit outwardly such narcissistic behaviors I am aware that internally I can find this same 4 year old spot in my heart.  I hide it well and try and dress it up when I go out, but when I start to feel unappreciated and taken for granted I can feel it there wanting to pout and pitch a fit about how unfair things are.

Children.....great windows to reality.

Chief of Sinners or Chief of Police

So as I was driving down the road I passed a church and noticed in the parking lot a police officer had pulled over someone and was ticketing them.  Something about the picture felt wrong to me.

I was on my way to meet Mark for lunch and when I told him about the scenario he recalled an officer he once knew who would purpose to pull people over in the church parking lot and his comment to me was, "yea, that guy seemed to enjoy his job a bit too much."

Paul wrote in 1 Timothy 1:14-16

¹⁴ And the grace of our Lord was exceedingly abundant, with faith and love which are in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief. ¹⁶ However, for this reason I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might show all long suffering, as a pattern to those who are going to believe on Him for everlasting life.

He speaks of his understanding that Jesus Christ is showing His long suffering love for him, after his salvation.  I suppose that long suffering is necessary because Paul continued to sin and continued to be in need of Grace and Mercy.

I have encountered many a Chief of Police in churches over the years....

The Chief of Police makes sure you understand the law and offers you tips on how you can keep it.  He holds himself up as an example to follow in how to live right and be a good citizen.  He is vigilant and watching for law breakers.  He holds people accountable for their behavior, but has little interest in their hearts.  He is always "in uniform" doing his duty, he doesn't let you see him without his badge and his gun, he is not needy or vulnerable.  He has everything under control, including you. He unaware of his status as anything other than a policeman keeping things in order.

The Chief of Sinners understands that keeping the law is hopeless.  He views the law as the ground where his neediness is exposed.  He is an example, of humility and servant-hood and surrender.  If you follow him you will find yourself at the feet of Jesus naked and daily in need of His grace.  He is watchful for those who need to be rescued from the stranglehold of keeping the law.  He invites people to look beneath their behavior at the issues of their hearts and he sits with them in their mess.  He is rarely in uniform, he is real and authentic and needs fellowship and encouragement.  He isn't looking to control things, especially you.  He goal is not order, it is real-ationship with you and with God.

Who are you?

Dear Jesus, Help Me

Have you ever prayed the words, "Dear Jesus, help me"?

As I think of stories I've heard where those words are uttered they are usually in the face of immediate danger, and oncoming car, a blown tire, a diagnosis of cancer or news that is overwhelming to your soul.   I've also heard them spoken in the same sentence with someone expressing their need to find a good parking place at the mall...followed people's laughter and someone's statement "isn't great that God cares about the little things in our lives."

"Dear Jesus, Help Me"

I remember a time when I spoke those words and they were coming from someplace deep in my heart.  They were words of surrender and hopelessness.  They were evidence of my understanding that I was void of anymore resources to make my life work.  (it was long after I'd prayed the "sinners prayer" for Jesus to come into my heart and be my Savior)

God in His grace pursues us through circumstances that surface our self reliance and strong held commitment to autonomy, even when we cloak these things in scripture and prayer and strong statements of "truth" about who God is and how we "know" He is going to show up for us.

The truth is that we do not easily receive His grace.  We view such circumstances as an attack of evil and miss the quiet voice of God whispering to our parched souls to surrender and instead we power up to do something in response to what is happening.  God may indeed be using the attack of evil to bring us to a place of desperation where we might be willing to hear Him and respond to His invitation.  Our mistake is when we are focused on the attack and completely miss our Savior and Protector and Defender...thinking we can somehow protect ourselves and save ourselves.

We are slow to reach a place of surrendering in the cry of "Dear Jesus, Help Me".

I daresay it is not a one time cry but a daily reality.

As I have been on a journey to discover more of what really lies in my heart I have found plenty of self protection, self reliance, self preservation, self motivation, self centered-ness, self deception....self.
My propensity to live without Jesus is far greater than I like to admit or actually address.  Moment by moment I move from places of surrender to places of self without blinking an eye.

Dear Jesus, Help Me.

Full time

Two nights ago I found myself wide awake, possibly due to the coffee we drank at a friends house, my mind was running through the week, the month, the days until school starts, emails unanswered, phone calls to be made, things I need to finish writing, editing to be done etc.

I haven't worked "full time" outside of our home since K was just an infant.  I worked part time for years and then after S was born I had the luxury of not working.  After we started in ministry here I was very involved and really was working, but Mark's salary was enough to meet our needs and that left me not really considering what I was doing to be "work".

During this past year we were once again confronted with the need to have me return to work.  I've tried to manage my time carefully and tell myself that I only work part time.  As I laid awake though sifting through what's on my plate and what needs to be done the reality was apparent, I am working full time.  There is still the luxury of working from home and having the choice to work at night after the little one's are asleep, and early in the morning before they wake...but nonetheless it's full time.

Something about facing it squarely and calling it what it is was important.  Trying to pretend that I am still just at home with my kids and only working a little bit leaves me a feeling frantic inside and wanting to avoid the fact that we need me to work, I am working, and work takes up time.

I don't have an nice little closing cliche for this post. 

It just is what is real today.

So, back to work.

One Month Countdown

About a year ago we packed K up to send her to Europe.  In the days that followed her departure I wrote about her trip and my own desire to go to Europe some day.  Since then A too has traveled abroad including a stop in England.  I had started to wonder if all of my children would make the trip across the pond before me.

A month from today Mark and I will leave for Germany.  We have been invited to help with a conference training small group leaders from throughout Europe.  The conference lasts 10 days and we're going to travel for a week afterwards.  We have some dear friends going with us.

Mark has been meticulously planning the trip.  He has a powerpoint of each hotel, historic sight, the rental car etc.  He has google earth cued up with all the points we'll be stopping to see.  He keeps asking me questions about what I want to do and see....as if I might be disappointed if we miss something.

I have a growing excitement about the trip and a sense of not quite believing it's happening.

I have things to accomplish before we leave.  Items to purchase, things to write for the conference, arrangements to finalize for the kids, and life to be lived in the next month.  In the quiet moments I am trying to dream a bit about the trip.

The quiet moments are few these days.

Eager

I read post on a young adult's blog site today and it spoke of eagerness.  Eagerness to start the next thing, take the next step into the future.  I was mindful of how often I hear young adults speaking with eagerness.

I can think back to my own ideas, plans and "eager" waiting.  Eager to finish high school. Eager to start college.  Eager to meet the man I would marry.  Eager to have our first child.  Eager to buy our first house.  Eager to have the kids start school.  Eager to have some freedom back in my days.  During those days my eager anticipations were so similar with my friends as we walked through our days experiencing many of the same things.  We would talk about what would come next with a joint eagerness, shared excitement, understanding that was born of similarity.

Then it all changed....the pattern shifted.  We added new life to our family and suddenly things were less similar.

Just as I began to fantasize about how I would return to some semblance of similarity, which was truly a fantasy, I discovered we would be adding yet another life.

Eagerness for what lies ahead became multi-faceted and complex. It is hard to be eager for the day our last child will graduate from College....I'll be 64.  Truth be told I am not eager to turn 64. 

I can see where it would be easy for me to lose that sense of eagerness for what lies ahead and just live in the resignation that tempts me daily as the chaotic moments of mothering such a age in my kids confront me.  Resigning, shutting down, giving up....living something mundane and small.  Staying in a place of eagerness for the future can be lost in the reality that little one's live one moment to the next and tomorrow feels like something distant and far away.

This morning I was eager to see if K's financial aid award is posted for school next year.  As I jumped on the college website to check her account I heard the sound of E running into the downstairs bathroom to use the potty all by herself.....something I have been eagerly waiting to have happen.

I am eager for dinner out with Mark tonight.

I suppose the truth is that I live with moment by moment eagerness more often with these little people inviting me to live in the moment with them.

Waiting....

They sat on opposite ends of our couch.  He looked relaxed and was talkative.  Her arms were crossed and her face looked sad. 

Slowly and tentatively she began unpacking her thoughts.  He listened. 

Carefully she spoke about her sadness.

His eyes filled with tears.

Her countenance changed, her arms came unfolded, she let herself hope that this time he'd really heard her and that it might make a difference.

She began the process of waiting.

Waiting to see what will happen.

Waiting to see what might change.

Waiting to see if he'll come for her heart.

Waiting.....

Seeker Friendly Church in America......

I pulled into the parking lot and turned off the engine.  There were no cars I recognized, telling me that Mark and our friend had not arrived yet.  I sat waiting and pondering what this meeting would include.  A few minutes later a truck rolled up next to me and I turned to see our friend.  I got out of the car and he said, "Where's Mark?" and I replied, "On his way."  We stood for a few minutes and then headed inside. 

Inside the door was an open area bar with a scantily clad waitress who cheerfully called out, "Hi ...." and said my friends name.  He offered back a warm greeting and we walked inside the main doors.  He ushered me to the bar, where he "usually sits".  As we sat down I watched him greet other familiar faces and ask questions about these people's lives.  We sat at the bar and the waitress he had wanted me to meet came and took our drink order.  A few minutes later Mark arrived and joined us at the bar.

We sat and talked with one another and made small talk with the waitress.  She was cordial but guarded and I could sense her sizing things up.  Smoke began to fill the room as other people made their way to the bar and ordered drinks and food. 

I watched as the chairs began to fill and listened as the conversations ensued.  People who knew one another, people who asked caring questions of one another.  It was lunch time.  No alcohol was being served, not that it would have mattered to me if it had been.  These people come for lunch at this bar regularly and have come to care for one another.

My friend has been eating lunch at this place for years.  He cares about the people who work there.  He has relationships with them, he knows what's happening in their lives.  He's offered them tastes of Jesus, and he's offered them his face....the face a man who loves God and names his failures and sin and doesn't act like he's someone that he is not. 

He brought me to meet a woman who is in need.  He told her he was bringing me and that I was a safe person, someone he could tell anything at all to and I would listen and care for her.  I enjoyed meeting her and experiencing the community that exists within this place.  I understood that I will have to earn the right to ask her to lend me some trust, it will take some time. 

I thought about how I would have turned in my receipt from this lunch to the church, if I were on staff there.  What questions it would have raised, the "warnings" I might be given about the appearance of evil and the "encouragement" I might be given to bring her to church.

For many people the local bar is the perfect counterfeit for church.  It is seeker friendly, it offers warmth, understanding, people are glad to see you, they don't judge you, they aren't going to wonder if they need to tell anyone your secrets.  People talk about their lives at the local bar. 

Mark and I used to frequent a bar for happy hour a couple of times a week.  The food was good and inexpensive and we could grab dinner and an early movie for less than $30.  We became regulars and a waiter named Jeremy frequently took care of us.  We learned a lot about Jeremy.  When he discovered Mark was a Pastor he was shocked.  He told us that meeting us was enough to make him consider going back to church.

I'll be revisiting the bar I went to this week.  I will be sitting there and ordering food and drink and sharing some of my story.  I'll be hoping to hear some of this young woman's story and perhaps I'll have the chance to share the gospel with her....the good news about Jesus, the life changing reality of who He is and what He offers.  I would imagine that 2000 years ago she might very well have served him some food and drink on her shift.  He would have talked with her and asked her what she needed. 

I bet if Jesus had turned in his bar receipt to the Father he wouldn't have been asked any questions...he'd probably have heard, "Good job Son! 

Perhaps instead of trying to figure out to re-tool our churches to make them seeker friendly we ought to send out the christians to do the seeking, the local bar is pretty seeker friendly for christians.