Gratitude and Good-bye

I walked back into the house, the echo of my feet on the tile floor was startling.  The house was empty.  Empty of our furniture, our photographs, our clothes, our children, our friends.  It was quiet with the only sounds being those of me as I walked through the family room.

The day had been long and emotional.  Tears welled in my eyes frequently throughout the hours between 8:30 am and 9:30 pm as the movers loaded our belongings and we finished putting things in boxes.  Sometime late in the afternoon Mark called to me, "Tracy, did you forget about Narnia?"  Narnia.  Underneath our stairs, behind a small door at the back of the coat closet was a crawl space.  Years ago Steven and Allison found the door and discovered the space behind it.  They worked together to fill it with blankets and pillows.  They ran a cord into Narnia so they had light, and brought in a tv to play game cube.  They spent hours and hours in that small space.  "Yes, and No" I replied.  I made my way to closet and pulled open the door and crawled into Narnia.  The sheets they'd hung from nails on the 2 x 4's were still there along with an assortment of stuffed animals.  I started to weep.  For a few moments I could hear the sounds of their laughter again, sounds muffled by the walls that stood between me and them all those years ago.  Narnia brought me to tears.

Dave and Sarah came by as the sun was beginning to set.  Dave wanted a picture of us in front of the house.  As Sarah hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Thank you..." I felt the emotions sweep over me again.  The tears came uncontrollably.

In the dark, at about 10 PM I made my way up the stairs and stopped in Katy's room.  I sat on her window box and remembered the bare rafters and raw attic space that had once been her room.  Words of gratitude began spilling out of my mouth, "Thank you God.  Thank you for this space that was Katy's.  Thank you for all the conversations that happened it this room.  Thank you for your graciousness to her.  Thank you for the friendships that deepened in this room."

Next was Allison's room and as I walked in I vividly remembered how it had looked when both she and Katy lived there before Katy's room was finished.  I remembered picking the colors for the room with Allison and watching her sponge the walls herself.  "Thank you God for Allison.  Thank you for her creativity that took shape inside this room.  Thank you for her lavish love for people and for all the pictures and notes that hung on these walls.  Thank you for allowing her to stay in this space long enough to graduate.

Steven's room was no longer reflective of him, his dark blue walls had been replaced by Sherwin Williams "Blonde" paint in order to sell the house.  I stood against his wall and closed my eyes.  I remembered the wall paper Sarah helped me pick out for his room 10 years ago, the Lego's that laid all over the floor, the bunk beds he and Mark altered to accommodate a tv and the game cube.  His sword, a gift from Mark, still stood in the corner. "Thank you God for my son.  Thank you for how you are shaping his manhood.  Thank your for the strength of his character.  Thank you for the safety this room has provided for him."

As I walked into the little girls room I glanced down at my watch, 10:30 PM.  6 years ago I sat in a rocker in that room at about 10:30 PM the night before Libby was born.  I rocked and prayed for her.  The pink and light green walls of the room now cover what was once the light house room, the room that Josh, and Chris, and Matt, and Lory called home at one time or another.  The light houses were meant to be a reminder of hope in the midst of the storm, and we put them in the room knowing those who would live there might be experiencing storms.  When we found out we were expecting a baby girl 6 years ago the light house room was re-painted, but still remained a place of hope. 

I came down the stairs and Mark was walking in from the garage.  "I'd like to pray before we leave." he said.  "Me too."  I replied.  "You know, this house belonged to God from the day we entered it."  "yep."

We stood together, tears falling from our eyes and prayed.  It was prayer of gratitude for ALL, far more than we can ever put into words, ALL that God did during the time we lived at 15014 Heimer Rd.  We prayed for the family who now calls it home. 

We came to this house filled with hope.  Hope that those who entered it would meet Jesus in unexpected and life changing ways.  Hope that it could be a home for the homeless and safe harbor for those needing rest.  Hope that God would do amazing things through us, and through the gift of the house.  We came filled with gratitude for His provision of such a perfect place for us to minister from. 

We left in many ways just as we came, filled with gratitude.  And we left forever changed.  15014 Heimer Road was not just a place of hope and healing for the hundreds of young adults and others who came through its doors, it was a place of hope and healing for us.

It's taken two days to pull together the photos and the music and words for this post.  It has been important for me, and for Steven (who worked alongside me to make the video) as we've processed some of our feelings about what has happened.

And so, we say good bye to 15014 Heimer Road, but not our memories.

15014 Heimer Rd from Tracy Johnson on Vimeo.

Comments

[LEP]

Thank you. Thank you for making 15014 Heimer Rd a safe harbor, a resting place, a shelter, a home...for me, for Chris and for our son.

You are right. The memories will forever be with us. We celebrated my 1st anniversary of my 1st wedding in the front living room. I slept in the lighthouse room when I needed to. I met Chris in the family room. I remember watching Steven's birthday party from the kitchen window when I was due to have Grant and I remember thinking about what it would be like to have a boy or boys for that matter!

As I sit here weeping watching all these memories play out before me, I am filled with gratitude for the house and home that it became to so many but I am especially thankful for the love that resided there because of you T and M, K, A, S, L, and E.

[D]

Wow! I first walked into your home as a cynical single man who somehow was a vocational junior high pastor. I remember all the places I was resistant to open up and be a part of all things at 15014 Heimer. I didn't want to come to guy's night. I didn't want community group to happen. I didn't want to admit that being adopted impacted me. I didn't think the conversation about my future wife would lead anywhere. "I didn't" is a common theme in this house. I didn't realize how much much I would miss the moments that can't be recreated. I didn't realize this house would be a place that I would mourn over loss. I didn't realize that I would find more grace and mercy in my confusion on the couch, or in the front room, or at the kitchen table, or dining room table than anywhere else in my adult life. Why did hope find me so many times in so many settings in this house? Well, it isn't the house...it is the family who brought life to this house and reminded me over and over and over and over again...that God loves me...and this family did too! But, I'm really, really grateful for that house. It is a place I will hang memories like pictures, and hope they never fade. Thank you!!!!!! Love, D

[Letty]

15014 Heimer Road - always an open door, never had to knock, dinners, Bible study, laughter, tears, renewal of vows,surprise B-day party, baby sitting, Christmas, New Years, Memorial Day, 4th of July, 7:30pm little ones bedtime, plumbing issues, wine, feeling understood, feeling loved, feeling the presence of Jesus.
Love and Thanks to all of you!!

[Jenn]

Premarital counseling. Where I told of my secrets and shame and wept over them. M.O.R.E. Thanksgiving dinner with the Call. Chili and Caroling. Where I dressed up as J-LO. New Years Party. Where we first told you we were pregnant with Tommy. Todd's 40th birthday. Countless celebrations and conversations.

15014 Heimer Road has been "home" to us in so many ways. And we will miss it.

Beautiful video and words. Tears are still streaming down my face. It was hard to see the boxes and the moving truck at the end...

Love you guys from the bottom of my heart.

[Russ]

I am sad I did not see this post till this morning…

My memory of your house is the very first time Kim and I, and our boys were invited there, to eat a holiday meal with y’all at the big table. I remember how dangerous it felt and how special it felt… and that I felt. Remember when Jacob and Steven were lighting your fireplace with aerosol and a lighter while we were away at dinner – remember how tearful Jacob was when he apologized and how you and Mark embraced him… I loved being at your house because I was with y’all. I loved that house because you worked hard on it, and it was always so transformed in so many unique ways for celebrating unique things. Tracy you and Mark created beauty there so it is a place, a rock, an alter that holds honor and formative memories. 15014 Heimer is a place to swim back to in memory – thousands of faith building events took place there – thousands of steps towards hope were dared there.

I hurt quite a bit about what the end of 15014 holds for me, I am grateful for what it held for me… someone erroneously said “it is not the house” on your blog – places are important to God – I agree with what you did and I am so very proud of you for walking into each room and honoring the faith built there. I felt like it was o.k. for you to leave that house because you did that. Tracy, you had some important years there, that were just about you and beauty. There are few people I know that have the presence to walk to each room and give the memories the honor they deserve…

I wonder if we could have collected all the tears shed in that place, what it would fill, if we could collect all the groans of pain and cleansing and birth what it would fill… if we could collect all the laughter, what it would fill… if we could collect the energy behind the terror, warmth, belonging, and risk taken in that place – what it would fill.

[B]

Forever changed. I have been craving the space and time to sit again and watch this video. I finally had it today. I watched this video the day you posted this and I felt empty inside. In watching it today I don't feel so empty. You payed perfect tribute as you selected the words and pictures that you wanted to display and I want to thank you for creating this. I feel like there is something inside me that makes me want to watch this over and over again. Maybe it is all that flashes through my head as I see the pictures. Even the ones I wasn't there for touch me as I see you and your family spilling over so many lives.

15014 was the place where I skeptically walked in and sat on the fireplace as I watched a roommate engage with you and your family in ways that felt unusual and inviting. In that same fireplace, I burned pictures and letters that were holding me down and reminding me of who I was when I was no longer me. It was the place that slowly began to feel like home as you began to feel like home. It was the place I would drive by and feel the freedom to stop and come in just because. It is the place that holds most of my secrets, a lake of my tears, roars of my laughter and snorts, 8 years of memories, my story, and so much of my heart. It is the place I drive by, longing to enter and to see the faces of the ones I love so dearly.

So, as debated...it is the house and it isn't the house. If you never lived at 15014 Heimer, the house would not matter to me. But because you did, it means the world to me. I look forward to the home that you create soon...the warmth of your house is missed already. I love you.

[chris]

i've waited almost a month to see this...well worth the wait! awesome video and just a drop in the bucket in terms of capturing the many many ways you all have loved on those God brought in and out of 15014 heimer rd! looking forward to the what the next chapter has in store!
-love,
chris