Seized by Hope

How to solve problems quickly...

I was sitting in my chair thumbing though the latest issue of Food and Wine magazine as Libby crawled up on the arm next to me, placing her face in very close proximity to mine.  I eyed her out of the corner on my eye, working hard not to look over the top of my reading glasses, which is what OLD people do and I work very hard to avoid this tell tale sign of being old.

"Hey, Mom did you know your hair is gray up here?"

Cringe.

"Yes, a little, I know."

"No, its more than a little, I see alot of gray hair."

"Really, let's pick a movie you and Elly want to watch..."

Notice my not so subtle change of subject.

I began thinking about my hair, the truth of her words and the growing level of irritation I was feeling.  This was a problem that needed solving.  $$ feel tight right now, so picking up the phone and scheduling to have my hair restored to its true unnatural color was out of the question.

I decided she probably noticed said gray hairs because I had blown my hair out straight, making them more obvious.  So, I decided to just wear it curly for the next few weeks, until after Christmas at which time I would go see "Masha" my Russian hair stylist.

Then this morning as I was cutting PBJ sandwiches in the kitchen Elly placed her little hand on my head and said, "Hey Mom, did you know your hair is gray up here?"

ALRIGHT ALREADY!!!  

I smiled at her sweet angelic face and said, "I know.  What do you think about that?"

"oh...I don't know.  Are you old?  Because OLD people have gray hair."

"Do you think I am old Elly."

moments of thoughtful pondering passed....

"No, I don't think so, but you do have gray hair."

nice.

I dropped them off at school and drove directly to where I knew I could solve this problem, came home, unpacked my plastic bag from Meijer....

I am happy to report that exactly 45 minutes later....

Gray hair gone, artificially enhanced, true for the past 25 years hair color restored....

I am not old.

Just Sayin.

I have some questions about Santa....

"How exactly does Santa get all the way around the world in one night Mom?"

She looked me squarely in the eye, her big blue eyes showing just a hint of skeptism pushing in on the edges of her hopefulness.

"And, why don't grown ups get any presents from him?"

"And...."

I stopped her and said, "Libby, it sounds like you have some really good questions and that you would like some real answers."

"Yes, I would."

"Ok, let's plan on having a conversation about all of this after school today."

We loaded into the car and headed off to school.  My day was busy and filled with phone calls, meetings, and deadlines.  I had long forgotten the promised conversation in the midst of all the demands at work.  I had just put down my briefcase and purse when she pushed up against me for a hug and said, "can we have that conversation you promised this morning now?"

Oh yes, that conversation.  The one where I knew it was time to tell her the whole story about Santa.  It's a conversation I've had three times before, and it has always ended with tearful eyes and heavy hearts at the news about Santa.

"Yes, Libby let's go in my room and have that conversation."

We sat on my bed and I repeated her questions and asked if she had anymore questions, she had a couple in the same vein as the others.

I began to tell her about St. Nicholas, and that he was real.  As I unpacked the truth her eyes never left mine, intently abosrbing each word, her blonde head nodding as I spoke.

"So, he's not real.  Who is the man at the mall?  Just someone pretending?"

"Yes, just someone pretending."

I told her that it was important to tell her the truth now, because she was asking logical questions that came from places where she was thinking things through for herself.  I told her that we wanted her to know we would always tell her the truth about important things she had been thinking about, and I asked her what she thought about Jesus since she can't see Him but we've said He is real.

She sat for a minute, quietly thinking. 

"I think I understand Mom.  Jesus is real, and you've never made Him sound like Santa.  Santa, and gifts at Christmas...well, that's because God gave us the best gift, Jesus.  We've talked about that at church too."

"Yes, Libby.  So, do you know that Katy and Steven and Allison all know the truth about Santa?"

"Well, yes."

"And, they never told you because it wasn't their job to tell you, it was for me or Daddy to tell.  So, it isn't your job to tell Elly.  Now you are one of the big kids and you get to hold this secret with them until Elly begins to ask the same questions and then we will tell her."

"Yes, I like being one of the big kids.  It will be fun to know the truth with them and let Elly still believe."

"Yes, it will."

"Mom, thanks for all the fun presents you and Dad have given me.  It seems like a lot and I never said thanks cause I thought they were from Santa."

"You're welcome Libby."

As I looked into her eyes at the end of the talk there were no tears.  In fact, there was a hint of a sparkle at the reality that she was now one of "the big kids" too.

Her gratitude and thoughtfulness for what has been in the past caught me by surprise.  For her, being connected with her older siblings and sharing a secret with them was more than enough joy to overcome the disappointment that Santa is not really coming down the chimney this year.

Relationship and connection outweighed fantasy.

Another milestone reached in my parenting journey.  My kids continue to surprise me, all the time.

 

Italian Composition

I often smile as I sign into my type pad account and read the words, "compose" or "quick composition" as my options for writing something. Compose sounds so elegant and dignified, and often I think my words are just quick thoughts, or at best ponderings. Today, I will embrace that what I am going to write is elegant....we'll see.

I've been home from my grand adventure with Janet for over a week now. The re-entry was quick and my home was bustling with activity within just a day of my return. Still, in moments of quiet I could taste the sweetness of the trip. It actually took me several days to even download the photos, all 562, that I took while away. As they loaded onto my computer the moments of the trip washed over me again and the sound of Janet and I talking, or not talking returned to my memory. There are many sweet memories from the adventure...the sight of Verona, the view from our window there, the city and our first meal, the roasted chestnuts we ate in the cold as we wandered the open air markets. Our days in Salzburg, the Hotel Stadtkrug, the meal at Carpe Diem, the Sound of Music sights, and the shopping.

Vivid in my mind is standing on the steps at the train station in Venice, not knowing Allison's train number or even the exact city where she had boarded...only a general idea of when she would arrive. It is consistent with her, and I knew she would be there, eventually. I stood watching the crowds carefully scanning the people for the familiar sight of my girl. I knew she'd have her back pack, and be wearing some sort of scarf and carrying her signature yellow purse. I spotted her way back in the station, walking with her body slightly forward, as if anxious to get where she was going. I ran to meet her and the hug in the station was perfect. I held her face in my hands, so proud of her and so amazed that she had made the journey to Italy alone. (a journey Janet and I made together with plenty of moments of tension and anxiety)

The days in Venice were, and were not what I had hoped. The time with Allison was all so perfect. Hearing her stories, and following her through the winding tunnels and extended hallways, which they refer to as streets. The food was fabulous and the wines interesting, and the Prosecco...well life changing, as I have now purchased 2 bottles since returning home, which have been consumed while having fabulous conversations with my husband.

And, the time in Venice was disappointing. Along with seeing Allison I had dreamed of the time in Venice holding the chance to connect with things that Katy had experienced while she was there several years ago. I had imagined replacing a glass, broken over the summer, from a set Katy hand carried to us from her time in Venice. What I discovered was that Katy's glasses truly were one of a kind, hand blown and there was nothing that resembled what she had purchased. I had also looked forward to seeing a painting, Tinterreto's "Last Supper" which has been displayed for hundreds of years in the basilica in San Giorgio Maggiore. Katy wrote about the painting and then saw it during her trip, and I had imagined sitting in front of and experiencing what she had experienced. When we arrived at the basilica we found the painting temporarily moved for an exhibit.

When Katy was planning her trip Mark encouraged me to consider flying over to meet her. I had lots of excuses for why that wouldn't work. I had never been to Europe and I easily dismissed the idea of meeting up with her...it would be too costly, too difficult, too extravagant. When I knew Allison was going I asked Mark what he thought about my going to meet up with her and he immediately said "yes!". Carpe Diem. Seize the day. I missed the day and the chance to connect with Katy during her adventure. And, that can never be undone, replaced or replicated. There was something honoring in what I couldn't do in Venice without her.

Janet and I enjoyed such a lovely meal at "Carpe Diem" and I realize that the significance of the restaurants name and motto will be tied to this trip forever. "Carpe Diem, seize the day and live conscientiously". I like that.

While I was gone I experienced again that Europeans live more graciously, and with more kindness to their bodies and spirits that most Americans. They walk, they eat well, they enjoy their food and drink. They word hard, and they keep margin in their lives, resting in the afternoons with coffee and a pastry, not discussing business over a meal. They go on holiday, several times a year...and while they are gone, they enjoy it.

There is a rest that I experienced when we went to Germany several years ago, I returned with an internal commitment to remember what that rest felt like. I tried to hold onto to the change that occurred, and I found it incredibly difficult to do so in San Antonio with the pace of our life, and the pace of life around me in the city.

Last year, as we moved to Michigan the rest returned, although it was also accompanied by a deep sense of loss and loneliness. There was an ache that came with the stillness and space which was opened up in our new home. Perhaps that is part of what comes when you allow rest to occur in your life, the space and the quiet opens revealing the ache. The noise that dulls and numbs it dissipates and you are left aware that something is missing.

I felt the ache while I was gone, it came is surprising ways, but it came nonetheless. Today as I drove home after a meeting I was tempted to stop at TJ Maxx and just see what was there. It would have been a quick and easy stop, but instead I came home. I grabbed some wood off the front porch and built a fire, pulled out a piece of leftover pizza and poured myself the last bit of Italian wine left from dinner last night. I sat quietly and ate my pizza and drank the wine with the fire blazing nearby. The ache that I felt as I passed by TJ's rose a bit as I sat quietly looking out the window and allowing the space inside me to expand. It was a kind choice, and because it was kind it was also full of emotion.

I want to continue to intentionally live differently, bringing home with me as much as I can from my travels abroad. Carpe Diem, seizing the day and living concientously.  

Here is a slide show from the trip. The songs are some of what we listened to driving through the Dolamites and the Alps. Enjoy....

Untitled from Tracy Johnson on Vimeo.

Day 6 majestic mosaics, San Marco square and more to ponder ....

The day began wet, cold and rainy.

We walked to San Marco square trapsing up and down stair cases and through narrow hallways, my memories of Venice will forever include the images of tight passageways. When we arrived I welcomed the sight of the ocean, wide and expansive, reminding me that there is a world beyond the cavernous buildings that comprise most of what we have seen in Venice up to this point.

I had looked forward to today and the things we would see.

We toured St. Marks and were awed by the mosaics...words cannot adequately describe the ornate beauty and creativity of what is on the walls and ceiling of the church.
The cloudy day prevented the sun from shining in, but for a few moments they turned on lights to illuminate the basilica and the gold sparkled brightly. It was magnificent.

We walked around the square and in and out of the shops, finally deciding to head to our next destination.

Several years ago Katy wrote a paper about a painting by Tintoretto entitled "The Last Supper". It was her first major art paper and she called home several times to talk with Mark about it,and we both read it before she turned it in. It was the start of her love for art. When she traveled abroad in college she came to Venice and saw the painting. She called home to tell us her story from the day she saw it, and I had hoped to see it one day also.

Today was to be that day.

We boarded the boat to head across the water to the island where the painting is housed inside the basilica of the church of San Giorgio Maggiore. It was so cold as captured photos of the island, and the Piazzetta.

The boat pulled up to th dock and we quickly walked to the church, trying to get out of the rain. Inside I was surprised to find an odd art in action display...in the enter of the basilica was a smoke machine hidden within a round white box, smoke was escaping through a hole in the top. Surrounding the box were tall pillars housing ten fans each, the fans were blowing to create a funnel type cloud out of the smoke, which was then been drawn up towards a tube in the ceiling. The name of this "art" was "the ascension". The effect was sort of cool, but honestly it was so conjured and felt totally distracting to me.

I walked towards the front of the church, remembering Katy had said the painting was up near the alter. When I got there the frame which houses the painting was empty, covered by wooden slats. A sign in Italian explained that it is temporarily on display in art exhibit in a pavilion in Venice.

I felt the disappointment wash over me.

I walked to a pew and sat down, the sound of the fans and the articificial smoke filling my senses.

It all felt so wrong.

Th collision of a man made conjured effect with the sacred space of the church, and the missing art work depicting the last supper left me with tears welling up in my eyes.

It was quite a picture.

The church should remain sacred, not a place for conjuring up anything.

Day 5 Grand canal...grand adventure

Today we saw the Grand Canal. It was, is, beautiful.

We walked through hundreds of shops and past many, many tourists...here are some highlights from the day.

-wandered into a small shop that sells handmade paper, letter openers, hand carved ships and writing instruments. The older gentleman seated behind the cash register was wearing an apron stained with ink. He had a collared shirt, tie and sweater on with his dress slacks. As he wrapped a couple of items we had purchased Janet asked him how long he had been working in the store. "well, 50 years I guess...I am 67 and I started at 17". She replied, "that's a long time". He looked up and said, "not really, I am not tired at all, I love what I do. I love to create and come up with new things and I love meeting people.".

-sat down for lunch and watched as an older British couple came into the restaurant being a bit contentious with one another. He groused about why they were even there and she said, "just sit down with me, I want a nice glass of Rose' and a bit of conversation, you can order a beer.". They sat down and ordered their drinks and I enjoyed watching them, listening to her, and wondered about their life and where they live. They struck up quite a conversation with the couple next to them ...remaining a bit contentious with one another the whole time. I bet they've been married over 50 years.

-walked into a beautiful church, filled with amazing art. Frescoes on the ceiling and walls, and paintings everywhere. There were elaborate sculptures and stained glass. The art dated back to the early 1500's. The mood was somber and quiet. As I slowly walked around I was struck that based on the subjects I the art I was left quite unsure who I was being invited to worship. Man, the Pope, Jesus, Mary, a sainted priest, Moses, a dead monarch from Italy ....hard to tell.

-we sat in a lovely room in the lobby of the Carlton hotel on the Grand Canal and drank Bellini's, with peanuts and potato chips....because that is what the waiter brought us. We talked a out where else in the world we dream of going some day.

-I stood on the stairs in front of the train station waiting to see Allison's face. Janet asked where she was coming from, and what time exactly her train was due. I didn't have the answer to neither question. I didn't ask Allison either of those things. She said she would be there close to 7 and that was good enough for me. Something a out the lack of details, that really didn't make any difference, is part of my relationship with Allison. She has lots of details to share with me about matters of her heart, but not about things as mundane as exact arrival times or where she is coming from. The not knowing made the anticipation even better. I saw her quite a ways off and ran up the stairs and into the station. I had imagined the moment since before she even left for Italy. I stood and held her face in my hands for just a few seconds. It will be a memory to hold for a long time.

Today I pondered the importance of loving what I do, so that in 25 years I can say that I am not tired. I hoped for a time when Mark and I will wander into a restaurant in a foreign country to have a glass of wine and a beer and some conversation, because we will have been married for 50 years. I thought about worship, deeply. I don't want there to be any question about who I worship or why. I thought about another trip with my friend Janet some day, and about what we might drink in the lobby of another hotel. And, I relished the reality of a dream come true as I hugged Allison in the Venice train station.

Day 4.....the adventure continues

I am typing this from my iPhone as there is something wonky with our wifi in Venice.

What a day.

The grandeur of the alps was breathtaking and majestic as we drove down from Salzburg.

We were both quiet and enjoyed the beauty all around us.

Our arrival at the rental car lot and subsequent water bus ride were a bit stressful and when we finally stepped foot on the dock we looked at each other and said, "we are really here!"

We began our walk to the hotel up 3 steps of marble stairs and down as many before turning down what looked like a tight hallway...which was actually a street! I have never seen anything like it. We continued in this manner for 30minutes winding our way thru Venice. We were within 10 yards of out hotel for 10 minutes and didn't see it.

When we finally arrived in the alleyway that houses our lavish room we found the door locked. I rang the bell and the girl opened up with her coat on ready to leave. She showed us to the room, which is completely gorgeous. Mark has really outdone himself with this.

We ate dinner at a small trattoria that has been here since 1505.

As I type I can here a gondola man singing outside ....seriously.

GoodnIght.

Day 3 of Tracy and Janet's Grand Adventure...Carpe Diem

The sound of the bells ringing at 8 am was lovely.

I sat and read Oswald Chambers as Janet took the first slot in the shower. His words were about heartbreak, and God's plan for redemption. I wrote in my journal with the window open and the misty air felt cool and damp on my feet peeking out from the edge of the duvet covering me.

Breakfast was leisurely and the coffee was strong. We sat and talked for over an hour, the conversation unfolding in unexpected ways. I began to mention the words I had read in Oswald and before I could finish Janet said, "I read the same thing this morning". The tone for the day was set and we headed out....

With my iPad loaded up with Mark's detailed info on all then sights from The Sound of Music we launched out to find as many as possible before our lunch appointment. We had great success and I loved watching Janet's face as we came to each place she's been waiting to see for so many years. We slowly walked through the graveyard and were both struck at the beauty of each family plot.

We stopped for coffee and an almond crusted pretzel to eat on our trek across town to the train station to meet my friends coming in from Vienna for lunch with us.

We spent almost 3 hours at lunch. We listened as two lovely single women shared their hearts with us about ministry to wounded people in Austria. We laughed, and dreamed and began to plan for another visit. For me this was so sweet, as I met these ladies two years ago when I was here. Connie has been a missionary for 38 years, she's given her life for the sake of the gospel. She is a beautiful, engaging and winsome woman. Lisa is fun and energetic and has become a friend to me in ways that continue to grow.

We parted from them, hoping for the next time we will be together.

The rest of the day included walking to more sights, deciding on our dinner spot and soaking up the city.

We chose a restaurant we found yesterday, Carpe Diem. The motto read, "seize the day, and live conscientiously". It fit the day, and our hearts well.

Dinner was lavish, there are simply no other words. The conversation was memorable and moments sweet. We spoke of our husbands and their kindness and generosity towards us, and we missed their presence....and still had a spectacular time!

It's late...I am tired.

The kind of tired that comes from having tasted such sweet goodness that all you care to do is lay down and sleep and dream of all the day held.

Gratitude.