Seized by Hope

She Walks in Beauty

She Walks In Beauty Lord Byron   SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light	5
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;	10
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,	15
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

 

I found this poem in a book recently while shopping with my girls. I have found my mind returning to the stanzas and holding them gently.

The words that stand out to me are: best, dark and bright, her eyes, nameless grace, thoughts serenly, mind at peace, heart, love, innocent.

 

 

The hours of snow

It was raining as I drove to pick the kids up from school on Thursday.  Big sloppy rain drops hitting the windshield.  The forecast said it would rain first and then snow, but I found myself a bit skeptical as the rain continued to beat down on the car.  Then I noticed it, the "rain with guts" (which is what Mark calls rain that is beginning to turn into snow).  The guts splattered a bit, tell tale signs of the rain transforming into snow.  By the time I had picked up all three kids the snow had started and the car was filled with conversations about whether the reports would be true and would school indeed cancel for the following day.

Well, snow it did...for hours...and hours...and hours.

I stepped onto the porch around 7:30pm to get more wood for the fireplace and the stillness that comes with the snow greeted me.  It is a quiet that is hard to describe for anyone who hasn't encountered it for themselves.  The flakes falling from the sky and the stillness of the streets as people are hunkered down inside always invites me to stand and soak it all in, despite the cold.  It is a quiet I would like to bottle up and have available at times when the world around me feels loud and chaotic.

We awoke to inches and inches of snow.  Homemade buttermilk waffles, hot coffee and a roaring fire defined the morning.  

The snow stopped mid morning and the first shoveling of the driveway commenced.

The driveway had just finished being completely shoveled as the flakes started falling again.

Mark loaded the kids up to head for the ski slope.

I stayed behind to write and have a few quiet hours alone.

I stood on the porch wrapped in my down blanket, listening to the quiet.

I watched as the snow piled up on the driveway again.

Mark and the kids arrived back home at 8pm.

Steven and I headed back out the driveway, to shovel some more in anticipation of a friend dropping by.

We couldn't scrape the white stuff off fast enough, by the time we quit the space we'd worked on was once again covered with over an inch of snow.

Saturday morning we awoke to this.....

(The bug is just behind the girls, buried in snow.)

The girls were anxious to put on their gear and sled, Mark found the rope and began to pull them down the driveway and off for a ride down the street.

Winter has finally arrived in Michigan, inches and inches of winter.  

I am breathing it in.  Sitting quietly in my leather chair, doing some reading in search of quotes for the writing project I have on my plate this week.

I have been reading back through some of my journals, and books I was reading 3+ years ago.  I am thoughtful, reflective and a bit sober.

I am aware that while it may seem that things change, it is also true that many things repeat themselves.

Mark pulled Katy down the street on a sled 22 years ago in Linthicum, Maryland.

He pulled Katy, Allison and Steven through the streets of our neighborhood in Portland, Oregon 13 years ago.

He is still pulling his own kids today....

 

Walking in My Shoes

As my family returned home for the holidays the space inside our house filled up quickly.  The bedrooms were all utilized, providing spaces of rest for those who came to stay with us.  The emotional space was filled as well, as each person brought with them their hopes, fears, dreams, anticipations, disappointment, angst, anger, sadness, joy, irritation and playfulness.

For three weeks the space of my home hosted my children, my parents and several friends.

There were conversations of depth every day, some bringing a depth of joy, some bringing a depth of chaos, some bringing a depth of grief, some of anger, some of disappointment...the conversations all reflective of the emotions that came with each person, just a sure as they arrived with suitcases filled with gifts and clothes and necessary items for the visit so too they arrived with emotional suitcases.  There was a great level of authenticity and integrity in my house this holiday season, and there weren't as many "nice" moments....people saying what others wanted to hear just to keep the peace, there were a great many "kind" moments when truth was being spoken and things being felt were honored.  In that, the rooms were very full at times as the weight of it all was being felt more deeply.

Those of us who live here all the time, Mark and I, the little girls and Steven all felt the shift of adding "more" to what usually occupies the space here.

Slowly they began to leave, my parents first returning home on the 27th of December, followed by Allison moving to Moody last week, and then Katy returning to Philadelphia on Sunday and finally our last two visitors returning to San Antonio yesterday.

Today I washed sheets, and sat quietly in my favorite chair in the three seasons room soaking up the sun and the silence in my home.

I can still hear the voices from the holiday's in my head if I close my eyes.  Allison and Steven exchanging words and finishing each others sentances, Katy laughing, my mom reading to the girls, my dad checking in to see in anyone wants to hear an excerpt from something interesting he's reading.  

We sat at our table with Tom and Dan as they asked about our experience of the restfulness of this space with live in now, and how that feels as we remember the days of "The Call" in San Antonio.  There were still tears as I answered, the tenderness in my heart remains.  We sat at that same table with Darin and Bethany and for a few minutes it felt like a gathering that could have taken place at our Heimer Road house.  It was a bit surreal for all of us.

And so today, while the house is emptier and there is space that has opened back up, my heart is full and a bit tired from all I have held and felt and engaged.  I cried more often this year, even more than last year, which honestly caught me a bit by surprise.

Katy asked a me last week if I had thought about a theme for the year, not really a resolution but instead something that will I will hold and consider.  As I've thought about it I found myself returning to a gift I purchased for myself early in December, it was a gift meant to serve a reminder to me of what Jesus was speaking to me.  

The words on these shoes include:

Embrace

Share

Joy

Dream

Be Your Word

Take a Stand

Forward

Glad to be Me

Celebrate

Breathe

Live Boldly

Pay it Forward

These my shoes, the ones I am going to walk in this year, the ones I am wearing today.

 

Hopes for 2012

First Installment of what I hope for....

I had a lovely conversation with a friend yesterday, she is smart and creative and always interesting to talk with even if its only a few minutes.  

As I stood listening to her I found my senses taking in all that she offers...

-her dress is always a bit funky and makes a statement, to me it usually says, "I am fun and I don't take myself too seriously, and I buy things that I like and I know what I like."  She was wearing a fabulous little black jacket with eclectic sparkling buttons.

-her hair is short and she often has some sort of creative head band or scarf wrapped around it and I usually think, "I couldn't pull that off but I love how it looks on her".

-her eyes sparkle from behind her glasses and they are inviting and a bit mysterious

-her smile is warm and leaves you at ease

-her words are fun to listen to and she always has a story about someone she's met or something new and compelling that she has read recently.  yesterday she shared about how she and her husband had watched a documentary on fashion in new york as observed by a man on a bicycle.

Inside my world that can at times feel small and filled with stereo-typical conversations she breaks thru like fresh spring breeze and I walk away from encounters with her thirsty for another drink of what she pours out for those who know her.

She recommended several books, and we only stood talking for 30 minutes or so.  I don't remember the last time I had happen.

I've already purchased one of her suggestions and the first few pages were fascinating.

I hope 2012 will include more interesting conversations, book suggestions, and encounters with lovely women who live out the beauty of their souls.