As my family returned home for the holidays the space inside our house filled up quickly. The bedrooms were all utilized, providing spaces of rest for those who came to stay with us. The emotional space was filled as well, as each person brought with them their hopes, fears, dreams, anticipations, disappointment, angst, anger, sadness, joy, irritation and playfulness.
For three weeks the space of my home hosted my children, my parents and several friends.
There were conversations of depth every day, some bringing a depth of joy, some bringing a depth of chaos, some bringing a depth of grief, some of anger, some of disappointment...the conversations all reflective of the emotions that came with each person, just a sure as they arrived with suitcases filled with gifts and clothes and necessary items for the visit so too they arrived with emotional suitcases. There was a great level of authenticity and integrity in my house this holiday season, and there weren't as many "nice" moments....people saying what others wanted to hear just to keep the peace, there were a great many "kind" moments when truth was being spoken and things being felt were honored. In that, the rooms were very full at times as the weight of it all was being felt more deeply.
Those of us who live here all the time, Mark and I, the little girls and Steven all felt the shift of adding "more" to what usually occupies the space here.
Slowly they began to leave, my parents first returning home on the 27th of December, followed by Allison moving to Moody last week, and then Katy returning to Philadelphia on Sunday and finally our last two visitors returning to San Antonio yesterday.
Today I washed sheets, and sat quietly in my favorite chair in the three seasons room soaking up the sun and the silence in my home.
I can still hear the voices from the holiday's in my head if I close my eyes. Allison and Steven exchanging words and finishing each others sentances, Katy laughing, my mom reading to the girls, my dad checking in to see in anyone wants to hear an excerpt from something interesting he's reading.
We sat at our table with Tom and Dan as they asked about our experience of the restfulness of this space with live in now, and how that feels as we remember the days of "The Call" in San Antonio. There were still tears as I answered, the tenderness in my heart remains. We sat at that same table with Darin and Bethany and for a few minutes it felt like a gathering that could have taken place at our Heimer Road house. It was a bit surreal for all of us.
And so today, while the house is emptier and there is space that has opened back up, my heart is full and a bit tired from all I have held and felt and engaged. I cried more often this year, even more than last year, which honestly caught me a bit by surprise.
Katy asked a me last week if I had thought about a theme for the year, not really a resolution but instead something that will I will hold and consider. As I've thought about it I found myself returning to a gift I purchased for myself early in December, it was a gift meant to serve a reminder to me of what Jesus was speaking to me.
The words on these shoes include:
These my shoes, the ones I am going to walk in this year, the ones I am wearing today.
It is my hope you will walk with a full heart and your head held high this year. May all you offer to others come back to you in wonderful and surprising ways! ❤ya!
Posted by: trish | January 10, 2012 at 10:12 AM
So perfectly you! I love the beautiful representation of something so significant as a reminder every time you wear them.
Posted by: Janet Stark | January 10, 2012 at 08:14 PM
hi tracy love the shoes. your words blessed my heart. i hope you are all well and happy. i am doing ok had to loose 4 front. working on getting a partial plate. love you all mom
Posted by: clara johnson | January 11, 2012 at 01:33 PM
Ahhh...guess I lost my previous comment...bummer. What I said was "You sneaky T"...hyperlinking to those previous tear-provoking posts.
Perfect words describing your month...I treasure my memories and what I was able to experience.
LOVE the shoes...so perfectly and beautifully YOU! What a great theme to walk in this year.
Posted by: B | January 11, 2012 at 05:12 PM