Seized by Hope

Ellyse Faith is Four

I wandered quietly out to the kitchen, making my way past the boxes already packed and skirting the items randomly laying on the floor waiting to be deposited in their boxes.  I poured the water into the coffee maker, and tried to muffle the sound of the grinder under a towel as the beans for this mornings pot whirred around being crushed.  The coffee began brewing and as the warm smell filled the kitchen I sat in my chair to read from my bible.  Turning to the back page I traced down with my finger for where today's passage was located and my finger landed on July 28.

July 28, Elly's birthday.

Elly's birthday is usually marked by the events and happenings surrounding it.  Her presence stands as a visible reminder of God's wildness, goodness, extravagance, and mysteriousness.  She is the exclamation point at the end of my journey with childbirth.  Elly was born the year before Katy's senior year of high school.  The following year her first birthday was the day we attended a party welcoming Katy to her college, and after the party Elly sat in the shopping cart clutching "sheepy" as we walked through IKEA picking up dorm items for Katy's room.  The next year Elly's birthday was the day before Katy left for Europe for her semester abroad.  Her young life stands is sharp contrast to that of her older sister who was perched on the edge of adulthood the year Elly arrived.

Elly is life, joy, excitement, curiosity, passion, creativity and sweetness.  Her eyes are bright and her smile impish and contagious.  She is independent and opinionated.  She knows how to fight for her space and she will not be forgotten or dismissed or lost in the crowd of the tall people who surround her each day.  She doesn't really understand that she is four and her older sisters are adults...she sees herself as equal with them and due the same consideration and privileges that they have.  In so many ways she is a typical four year old, and in many others she is a reflection of the complexity of the family she was born into.

Ellyse Faith is four.  I am overwhelmingly grateful for her presence, in all of its unexpected grandeur.  She keeps me grounded and connected to my children, all of them at all their various ages.  Her sweet kisses and cries that I hug her good-bye, even if I am only running to the corner grocery store, remind me that life is never too busy to hug and kiss those you love most.  Her soft body curled up on my lap keeps my heart soft and tender to the need each of has to be comforted and held...no matter how old we get.  My hand easily finds its way to her hair to stroke and play, and my big girls still my hand on their hair stroking it and reminding them that I am here and they are safe.  The routine she loves each morning is a daily reminder that Steven too likes routine in the morning, a routine that gives him access to me before his day gets going.

It would have been so easy to power my way through these years of "the original three" moving into adulthood.  I suspect Steven would have been left in the dust of his sisters departures for college, expected to be even more "grown up" and independent.  I would have filled the space created with the girls departure for school with other things, things that would have left me less aware and less connected to home.

God's wildness tastes sweet in this space with Elly.  She keeps me dependent and vulnerable and needy.  She needs my soft, tender, joy-filled, smiling, secure, consistent embrace of her.  In truth, embracing her is often about embracing my own heart.  She won't let me leave my heart behind and power through my days.  I would miss her, and miss me, and miss where God is meeting me in the middle of it all.

Happy Birthday Elly.  You are God's sweet gift to me.

She's gone.

Thursday evening Allison's "gala graduation weekend" began.  It all started with a small dinner for those who have walked closely with her during these past couple of years.  She has worked for months on a special gift for those attending.  She took the idea from Mark sharing that in the bible wine was symbolic of joy, and drinking of wine was part of celebrating times of joy.  Allison has saved wine bottles over the months and she carefully decorated each one with words and items symbolic of the joy that those invited to this evening had brought her.  As she made her way around the table sharing her bottles and her words I was struck by her beauty and the ease with which she handled herself.  There were tears and hugs and laughter and joking....all indicative of her special essence and what she invites in people.

Friday morning brought another celebration for the women who have impacted her life.  A special tea, including the stipulation that all attending wear hats, was held to honor Allison.  The precious woman hosting the tea has been in our lives since Allison was just 5 years old.  She has visited us as we've moved across the country, and she's prayed for Allison for all those years.  As we sat in her lovely home I was aware again of the beauty of the day and the extravagance of God's love poured out on us, and particularly on Allison.  The women attending sat circled around and offered Allison words of blessing about who she is and words of vision and hope for where her life will now lead.  There were plenty of tears once again.

Friday night she walked down the stairs in her cap in gown, honor sash, cum laude cords, and the national honor society cords that Katy wore at her graduation.  My mom was standing nearby and she said, "I can remember when you moved into this house thinking that one day they would all walk those stairs and in the caps and gowns and someday the girls would walk down in their wedding dresses."  I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.  Photos were snapped and we all loaded up to stop for a quick dinner on our way to the coliseum where graduation was to be held.  Allison had told us where to sit and her suggestion was perfect, we could clearly see her amidst the nearly 700 graduates seated on the floor.  There was lots of cheering as she made her way onto the floor and again as she walked the stage.  The girl they told us could not make it in the traditional classroom, the girl who was too hampered by her learning disability, the girl we fought for, and others fought for, the girl who learned to fight for herself.  It was a moment Mark and I had hoped and waited for and it was beyond our expectations.  It was filled a sweetness I can still taste.

Sunday morning I walked up to the room she sponge painted herself at 12 years old, the room that has housed all her special trinkets and possessions, the room that has been her sanctuary, to wake her up at 4:30am.  As I opened the door I bumped her suitcase, and was greeted by the empty walls.  All of her posters and memories stacked in the corner, boxes labeled "college" and "new house" and "goodwill".  We pulled out of the driveway at 5am and as we turned onto the familiar road that takes us to the freeway I heard her sniffle and turned around to see her tears.  "This is the last time I'll be that house or drive away down this road." 

At the airport we hugged her good bye, not knowing where "home" will be the next time Allison flies back to us.  While we will see her at the end of July, there was a sense of finality as we dropped her off.  This season of her life has ended. 

It all came so quickly.  So much to feel and speak and process in just a few days time. 

Today I went up to her room and sat, allowing myself to feel it and cry a bit.  I left her room with my list for the day in my head, the things I must do today so the realtor can take the photos tomorrow and put the sign in the front yard.

I will write more about all of that another day.

Here's a video of the weekend.  The song was picked by Steven.  When I asked him what he will miss most about Allison he looked at me and said, "Everything.  Just everything.  It sounds dumb, but it's the truth."  I asked him why this song when he gave it to me and he said, "Because, she lets me eat her french fries".

Everything...that about sums it up.

Little Moments from Tracy Johnson on Vimeo.

Mother's Day Weekend

Friday morning Libby's kindergarten class had their mother's day tea....

Her teacher had picked out poems and readings to share with the mom's as we sat drinking our tea and eating our cake, while looking at the plethora of handmade items our children had set at our places.  Her readings had a theme, the message that all too soon our little one's will be graduating from high school and heading for college...and we will miss what is important if we aren't careful.  I looked around the room at the young women seated at the tables and noticed nodding heads of approval, almost as if to say "yes we know, we agree". 

I smiled a bit and also noticed that my head wasn't nodding, while realistically I might have had the strongest sense of the truth of her message. 

I left Libby to run by the post office and mail Allison's graduation announcements and fund raising letter for her summer at Camp Redcloud.  From there Mark and I drove to pick up Steven's tuxedo for his formal Friday night.

Elly finished her day at school and handed me a mother's day present which included this picture glued to the top of a heart shaped box...

I returned home and find Katy and her two friends from college beginning to make tiramisu in my kitchen....

Late in the day it was time to get Steven ready to go for his formal.  As he put on his tuxedo and came down the stairs for his first formal dinner I felt the memories flood in of Katy's trips down those same stairs on her way to her formal dinners in high school.  We walked out on the front porch and took a few pictures...

 

Katy won best 'hair' her freshman year at formal dinner, Steven won "best" dressed.  Mark commented that we have taught our kids how to celebrate well.

Saturday morning arrived and it was time to begin the process of getting our house ready to put on the market to sell.  Furniture went to storage, books were packed up, I sifted through memories stored drawers and boxes as we continue to address the "clutter" that must be cleared.  Clutter...handmade place-mats from mothers day teas, an old boutonniere from Steven being a ring bearer years ago, a memo about Senior week for Katy from 2007, a photo of Allison graduating from kindergarten.

By the time Sunday rolled around my heart was feeling pretty overwhelmed with emotion.  The beauty of my five children, the reality that I cannot be all they need for me to be, the joy of watching them grow into adults, the heaviness of packing up and selling the house that has been our home for 10 years.

It was quite a weekend.

The Waiting is Over.....

Over the years I have waited in my many ways with Allison. 

I waited for her to arrive, within days of her "due date".  Allison arrived early in the morning on October 11th.  She made her way into the world quickly and with the cord wrapped around her neck.  I waited for hours and hours after she was delivered for her temperature to reach a normal level so she could leave the hospital nursery and join me in the room where I was assigned.

I waited for her to speak, her words came later than Katy's and I remember wondering when I would hear her first words.  I waited for her to out grow the ear infections that plagued her relentlessly as a baby and into her toddler years.

I waited for her to write, and for her to show any interest in the alphabet.

I waited for her to begin reading.

I waited for the test results the first time we had her tested for learning disabilities.

I waited again when more testing was needed a few years later as the gap was widening between where she was supposed to be for her age and where she was performing academically.

I waited as she struggled to navigate the pain of friendship during middle school wondering how the wounds being inflicted would affect her in the years ahead.

I waited every time she took a test...wondering what the results would be, would her best ever be enough.

Waiting.

This year the waiting took on new importance.  All the years of previous waiting culminated with the biggest "waiting" of all, waiting to hear about her college acceptance.

The path of waiting has been strewn with rocks and pot holes of disappointment and fear.  Late recommendation letters left us waiting beyond the anticipated January 15th deadline.  SAT scores and her GPA left us waiting anxiously from mid February until the closing date of March 30th for general admission at her college choice.

She'd begun putting "alternative" plans together following the news that her SAT and GPA were possibly not enough to gain her admittance.  I've watched her move with spectacular grace and hope in the place of waiting.  As each day passed she grew more and more at ease.  Mysteriously at ease.

I have made my way to mailbox each day since April 1st wondering when the letter would arrive, and what it would say.  I have imagined the scenarios that could play out.

Saturday I made my way to the mailbox wondering again if it would be there.  Saturday was the day for the Prom at Allison's high school...she's never gone to the Prom, and wasn't going this year either.  My heart was feeling the weight of the waiting and the weight of what Allison's road has looked like.

I opened the mailbox and there it was, right on top of the magazines and flyer's stacked one on another.  I felt a tinge of nausea hit my stomach.  What would it say?  I walked back to house briskly, trying to remain hopeful while still aware of my fear.  "Allison...it's here, the letter is here."  She ran down the stairs two at a time, "Give it to me Mom, give it to me".  We stood by the kitchen table as she ripped into the envelope pulling out the folded contents.  As she stood reading each word I began quickly moving through the paragraphs, knowing I could get to the news faster than she could.  "We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected......"  There they were, the words I had hoped and waited for these many months, these many years..."pleased to inform you that you have been selected".  I looked over at her face and saw her trying to take in the words, "Allison, you're in, you're in".  She looked back at me, "I am.  I thought it said so, but I was afraid I might have read it wrong."

I will remember the next few moments forever as we stood in the kitchen crying and hugging.  Her whisper in my ear, "I did it, I did it, I did it Mom."  My whisper in her ear, "You did it, You did it, You did it baby".

She began making her phone calls.  The words I spilling out of her, "I'm going to college.  I AM GOING TO COLLEGE!!!!".  

Yes Allison, you are going to college.  

Dear God Jesus

Friday was "Feast Day" for the little girls.  Both girls had Thanksgiving Feasts at school.  E's classroom was set up with paper plates, chicken nuggets, veggies, chips and juice boxes.  Her teacher was wearing an Indian costume.  The room was filled with native music.  The kids were all having a great time. 

E seemed to understand the concept of thankfulness more and more as they talked about it at school all month.

Last night we sat down at the table for dinner and she announced her desire to pray for the food.  Her prayer went like this...

"Dear God Jesus thank you for the food.  Thank you for Mommy, for Daddy, for K, for A, for S, for L. Thank you."

Dear God Jesus.

Perfect.

Sonic Moment

We pulled into Sonic yesterday afternoon after school.  The noise level was at a classic Johnson Family HIGH...E was saying "I want a chocolate shake, I want a chocolate shake, I want a chocolate shake" S was tormenting L in the back seat and I could hear her tearfully saying, "Stop it S, Stop it, you're hurting my heart" while he mimicked her as I kept saying, "What do you two want to order".  The sounds of A's ipod were adding to the noise mix with Bethany Dillon, Family Force Five and Lincoln Park challenging me to stay in a place of enjoying the chaos of the moment.

We ordered and A started talking to me about a blog she plans on starting.  She told me the name and began unpacking her thoughts behind her choice.

As I listened I heard her say, "It's really about JOY Mom, I want for others to know the JOY that I hold and I want my life and my words to be a reflection of JOY"

I started to cry.

It was too sweet and too perfect and the answer to my hearts prayer from many years ago.

The word I would have used to describe A from kindergarten through sixth grade would have been JOY.  She was a joy-filled, joyous, sweet soul.  Full of hugs, questions and precious stories to share.  Then the viciousness of middle school came to rest on her heart and nearly crushed her.  The betrayal by friends, the struggles with school, the disappointment in it all seemed to snuff out the joy over the next couple of years.  Her joy was replaced with something big, full of energy and words but not reflective of what I believed was deeply part of how God had made her.  Evil had come and robbed A of her joy. 

I began to pray that God would restore her joy somehow, some way.

The changes and healing to her heart and soul have been happening over the past couple of years.  She has been more comfortable in her own skin, more and more of the little girl so filled with joy has been evident in her.  Still, I hadn't heard her describe herself that way.

Sitting at sonic, with music blaring, the siblings fighting, the longing for a chocolate shake audible in the back seat I heard my girl own the truth for herself.  The restoration has happened, God has restored her JOY and she knows it.

It was a perfect moment, there in the parking lot at sonic.

Just another Monday?

The notes of an unfamiliar country music tune reached my ears at 5 AM beckoning me to roll out of bed and reminding me that the familiar ritual of taking K to the airport was just 15 minutes away.  I made my way to the stairs and saw the light on in the hallway.  I found her in the bathroom putting on her mascara.  She quickly placed her remaining toiletries in her makeup bag as she told me how her evening had finished up last night.

We made our way to her bedroom with the conversation continuing as she shoved her last few items into her suitcases.  I could feel the knot growing in my stomach and lump forming in my throat as she zipped things closed.  Before I knew it the conversation was being cut off and I was hugging her at the door.  "See you in a few weeks for parents weekend, sweetie.  Love you."  "Yea, bye Mom, love you too."

The tears leaked out my eyes as I made my way back to bed for just a little more sleep. 

Yet another unfamiliar tune awakened me again at 6:30 AM.  I found my glasses, grabbed a bag I've been hiding in the yet unpacked suitcase lying on the floor in my bedroom.  In the kitchen I poured myself some coffee and sat down at the kitchen table to write A a note to go with her gift marking the first day of her Senior year of high school.

The memory of taking her kindergarten 13 years ago popped into my head and I could see her red polo shirt and braids and her signature smile.  Her sweet face and excited eyes anticipating the day.  None of us had any idea that morning what a difficult road lay ahead for her academically.  Today is a great day as she heads off for school, needing only two classes to graduate.  Her schedule this year is indicative of her courageous and creative spirit and includes AP Gov. and Economics and two Art classes.  I am mindful of the wise words one the young women I used to mentor told me 5 years ago, "A will have a better chance at success if you move her to public school.  Trust me."  We listened and it's made all the difference.

 

A's gift, a cool metal water bottle that says, "Live Passionately, Hold Nothing Back...Embrace the Real You"....alongside a photo from the first day of school 13 years ago.

 

Same great smile getting ready to leave this morning.

It's Monday morning and my house is empty and very quiet for the first time in 3 months.

And I am ambivalent.

Gathering my Chicks

After a little over two months of separation on Saturday evening I had all my "chicks" under my wing again for about an hour.  The full scale reunion took place at something called "The TNT dance Party" at Camp Redcloud, where K is a youth camp counselor, A is working in the kitchen and S is currently a "TNT" (Teen in Training).

This little partay includes dressing up in ridiculous outfits and dancing to wild, loud music....all the things my children love.

Here they are........

Almost a soon as I had them all gathered they were once again disbursed as K returned to her counselor duties, A went back to the kitchen staff bunkhouse and S headed into the mountains for his backpacking adventure.

At least we're all in the same state.

Real life is only a few days away as we return home to be fully gathered as a family with Mark until it's time for K to head back to school.

My heart is full and there are words that need to be written, but for now I am just enjoying the moments as they come.

Friendship with a 4 year old

L is all about waxing eloquent on what friends "do".  Sometimes her mini soap boxes on friendship are entertaining, sometimes sweet.....sometimes they are window into the reality that we don't have to teach children to be narcissists, they arrive that way.

This week when things haven't gone L's way she had loudly protested and pulled out her "friend card"....she slams it down on the table and declares "I thought you were my friend, and friend's don't treat friend's that way, so I guess you're not my friend anymore".

Friendship with L is lost over things like giving her the plastic plate when she wanted a glass one, saying no to the 3rd Popsicle in one afternoon, giving E the toy that L just ripped from her hands. 

Basically, friendship with L is mostly about giving her what she wants and what benefits her, anything less than that leaves the friendship in jeopardy.

Trying to help her mature in this area and grow up out of her narcissism requires being willing to have her cry and tell me that I am the worst mommy ever and not her friend anymore....luckily it only takes about 10 minutes up in her room for me to return to super mommy status.

I know some adults who aren't much further down the road than little Miss L, I suspect you know a few yourself.

While I am far too controlled to exhibit outwardly such narcissistic behaviors I am aware that internally I can find this same 4 year old spot in my heart.  I hide it well and try and dress it up when I go out, but when I start to feel unappreciated and taken for granted I can feel it there wanting to pout and pitch a fit about how unfair things are.

Children.....great windows to reality.

14

S turns 14 today.

14, the year he finished being in middle school and has officially 'risen' to high school status.

The year he grew about 12 inches, his foot went from a size 9 to a size 13, the year his voice changed.  Marking what seems like the most growth in a year since his first year of life.

I am very aware of how quickly things will fly by now.  I am avoiding blinking, because if I do he will be turning 18 and high school will be over.

For today, I am celebrating S.  We'll eat breakfast tacos, his favorite, and then pack him and his friend up to spend the day at an amusement park.  Tonight will hold more friends, pizza, games, movies, presents....and a cake he has yet to express preference about.

For his 14th birthday S has purple hair on one side of his head...because this seemed like such a cool thing to do once school was out.  It's suppose to wash out in 8-10 washes, and he is stretching that hair washing out as long as possible.