Growing up I have vivid memories of finding my dad sitting at the kitchen table in the morning having his "quiet time", bible open, journal of some type nearby for note taking and generally some other book he was reading about spiritual growth. My mom's bible was always visible, packed full of notes she'd taken on random pieces of paper...the cover was always a bit tattered from use. I was raised in a culture that valued the importance of daily time in God's word and prayer.
I dutifully followed suit for many years. Having my "daily" quiet time...not really imagining I would hear something from God, but more imagining that if I didn't make this "quiet time" a priority something would inevitably go south in my life as a result of my disobedience.
Not particularly good motivation for building something deeply personal with God or Jesus....fear of being punished.
There came a time when I felt what had the most integrity for me was to forego my daily "quiet time". The habit disappeared from my daily routine while I worked through my issues with God, which is just a polite way of saying that I needed to honestly address how deeply pissed off I was at God how betrayed I felt by Him. I questioned His love for me, His purpose for my life and I entertained the possibility that I wasn't actually interested in a relationship with Him at all.
I found that He was not bothered by my anger or my disappointment. In fact, I found that He was capable of speaking to me without my having a daily "quiet time"....and that His voice could be heard whenever He wanted for it to be heard, regardless of my choices. I found that He wasn't just waiting for me to pursue Him, like the story I heard at youth group growing up about Jesus waiting each day to have coffee with me but I am just too busy. Ugh.
No, actually He pursued me, quite relentlessly.
Over time the habit of daily time, usually in the morning when by default my house is quiet, returned again. Music, prayer, liturgy and contemplative practices began to characterize the space of my daily engaging with Him. I also found that my awareness of His voice was keener, because I had learned what His voice sound like as He pursued my heart outside of the daily routine rooted in "obedience".
Over the past several months a pattern emerged in God's engaging of me. One of my birthday gifts was a pillow....

The message felt inspiring and timely.
I had no idea the magnitude of what was coming or why I might need this message.
In April a gift arrived in the mail from a friend....

The charms each hold part of the chorus to the song "Oceans" by Hillsong. Steven sent the song to me a couple of years ago during his first month away at college. I had asked him how he was and told him I missed him. His reply was, "Mom...I am sending you this song."
The words have returned to me over and over again since then.
The latest addition...

A "giving key" with the word FEARLESS stamped into it.
Yesterday as I sat in my chair on my three seasons porch I read my blessing for the day, something I get via email every day.
"May the God of Beginning Again be with you. May that God hold you near as you grieve what is past and move with faith into what is to be. May the hand of God carry you across the darkness of loss into the light. May your courage and your trust become for those around you a living witness to the mystery of death and rising."
The mystery of death and rising...the resurrection.
Death scares me. I wish it didn't but it does. Death that comes from evil's assault on my life, in my children's lives, in the work I do, in the relationships with my friends.
For a long time I didn't see evil at work, didn't know the truth about the insidious nature of it, didn't recognize how prevalent its presence really is. But after nearly fifteen years of intentional ministry with those brave enough to admit their wounding from abuse I have eyes to see and ears to hear and I can smell the stench of death.
And, no one escapes.
There have been times in the past few months when I have wanted to quit. (Quit any number of things...so don't make any assumptions). Quit because I am afraid, because the water feels deep, because I'd like things to feel easier, I'd like to stop what hurts and disappoints and feels too heavy.
Today, I made my bed and put placed my "be truthful, gentle and fearless" pillow in its place then I walked into my closet and put my bracelet on and my fearless key around my neck.
Today I was grateful for the legacy of quiet time with Him and how He speaks to me today...through music, through the Bible, through email, through my friends and the gifts they send to me....gifts that really came from Him.
So, today I am afraid and I am choosing to remember He is with me and He has told me to "fear not", so Fearless is my vision and how I am choosing to walk...
Today I will take more steps by faith, and I won't quit.